Making new friends and relationships in Australia ' starting over if you are single, a couple, homesick, lonely, in culture shock, an expatriate or a repatriate
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This article talks about:
. making friends
. what 'relationship' means for both men and women
. needs of people who are homesick, lonely, in culture shock, an expatriate or repatriate
. online dating, friends for couples, paying for friendship services
Yvonne Allen, Human Relations Consultant, Author and Public speaker, Yvonne Allen and Associates, May 2004
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Making new friends and relationships in Australia - starting over if you are single, a couple, homesick, lonely, in culture shock, an expatriate or a repatriate
We invited Yvonne Allen to answer a few questions and here are her responses
1.What do most people miss about the friends they have left in another location?
Friends help to make our lives both enjoyable and meaningful - something we can readily take for granted. Moving to a new location can leave us feeling isolated and vulnerable as we have left behind the pleasure, comfort and support our network of friendships provided. For some, especially those not in a relationship, the loss may be the lack of good company to share interests and activities. For others they may feel bereft not having friends for close communication and emotional support.
2. Where do most people find new friends in a new location?
For those newcomers who have employment, new friends can often be most readily made in the workplace. Joining clubs and associations linked to interests and activities is also a great way to find people who have things in common and these
people have the potential to be new friends.
3. What 'signals' do people give to others if they are homesick or suffering culture shock?
Unfortunately people who are feeling unhappy and uncomfortable in their new location are often likely to withdraw which only compounds the problem. Signals could include a lack of interest in socialising or participating in activities and a tendency to spend much of their spare time communicating by phone or correspondence with people from where they have come. Finding new friends takes time and effort...energy that those feeling sad or isolated are less likely to muster.
People suffering 'culture shock' are often described as living outside of their
'comfort zone.'
4. Is finding friends more or less difficult if you are an expatriate?
So much depends on our own attitude and willingness to invest time and energy in building friendships. This applies regardless of whether we have lived in the same locale for most of our lives or are expatriates.
An expatriate can turn 'being new to town' to an advantage. It provides a good opening line when an approach
is made to someone in a social situation - and could help open up a congenial network if that person proves to be a potential friend. If we are a local, some may assume that we have a satisfying circle of friends even when we actually don't.
5. Is finding friends more or less difficult if you are a repatriate?
Though it may seem strange, repatriates can have a more difficult time finding friends. Often friends of old have moved on or have had significant changes in their own life circumstances and are no longer available or ready to pick up the friendship as it used to be. It is common for a single repatriate to find that buddies from the past are now married with kids and living a different lifestyle.
A repatriate may also find that much of their time on their return is spent reconnecting with family and business connections from the past. This can leave little opportunity to develop new friendships unless they consciously make the time to do so.
6. Do you encourage people to go out on their own to social events and if so, do you have some tips and advice?
If you are new to town and on your own it makes sound sense to go to social events alone ' otherwise you may never get much further than sitting in front of a
television or emailing friends left behind. If you are single you will find that there are various organizations that host dinners and parties that could be of interest to you. As a newcomer to town you have a ready icebreaker in such situations and are likely to be made to feel welcome by those you meet
- Aussies are friendly folk!
Women can find it more difficult than men to go solo into public venues such as bars and clubs. If the thought of doing so makes you feel uncomfortable, then I suggest you don't. However, social events can be made less intimidating if you approach the organisers beforehand - and let them know you would like to attend but have some apprehension about arriving on your own. Doing so is likely to result in your receiving not only a warm welcome but being introduced to a few people so that you don't have to make the initial overtures yourself.
7. What does it mean when people say they are looking for a 'relationship' or wanting to 'settle down'?
Words mean different things to different folks. As someone who has worked in the area of human relations for close to 30 years, I sometimes wonder whether it is the English language or our ways of relating that have changed dramatically over this time'and
I suspect it is a bit of both!
These days, from my viewpoint, I would see 'looking for a relationship' usually meaning the desire to meet someone for more than a casual encounter or 'one night stand'. However, this relationship could range from one where both parties see each other on a regular basis, yet lead quite separate lives - to one where they live together yet do not regard this as meaning a long term commitment. 'Settling
down,' on the other hand, suggests a relationship that is stable, monogamous and committed.
8. Is there a difference between how men and women describe a 'relationship'?
Often the sexes do see things differently, especially when it comes to what constitutes 'a relationship'. In many ways, men adopt a much simpler approach. If they have a woman in their life - and if things are tracking along alright at a physical and doing-things-together level - it is a relationship.
Women, on the other hand, are likely to have more expectations when it comes to a relationship. They usually are looking to have more depth of friendship and communication than the male of the species. It is not unusual for a woman to expect that a man in a relationship with her will be in frequent contact and want to spend much of his leisure time with her. A man is more likely to focus on his work interests and activities assuming that he will enjoy being with his partner whenever they are together.
9. What are the best ways for couples without children to find new friends?
Couples who do not have dependent children can readily fall into the trap of relying on each other for companionship and thus miss out on opportunities to meet new people. Joining interest clubs and activity groups is a good way for them as individuals or as a couple to encounter likeminded folk who could become friends.
10. Can you tell us some good strategies for meeting people online ' what can you say and what shouldn't you say in a personal profile and when you start corresponding?
The advent of the internet has made it possible for busy people to search for
other people online without having to leave the comfort of their own home. There are now many web sites that cater for singles seeking friendship, romance or a committed relationship.
In December I launched a unique social networking website http://www.unoduo.com. I created unoduo.com to help those who value friendship to find their sort of people to share a range of leisure interests and activities, including dining, movies, travel and sport. While unoduo.com is not just for singles, it is possible for those who would like to find that special someone to search for others who share similar interests and who are also on the lookout for romance or a special relationship.
What you say in an online profile depends on what it is that you are looking for, either in a friendship or a relationship. Free text areas give you the space to let the reader have some insight into what you seek and why you would be a good person to have the chance to know. There's no point misrepresenting yourself in your profile or photos as this will only lead to disappointment if you both choose to make contact and then meet.
Usually your identity is protected online until you choose to reveal your real name and contact details. When you start corresponding it is wise to avoid being too 'deep and meaningful' ' often this leads to deep and intense email communication that has little to do with the world beyond your computer terminals. If you feel you have a good basis for developing your friendship, it is wise to arrange to meet as soon as practical or at least to talk on the phone or via audiovisual connections offered by sites such as Yahoo.
11. Do you think it is a good idea not to tell somebody how long you will be staying in a location? For instance, if you know that the 'assignment' is only two years, should you say 'staying for a fair while'..you never know whether or not an assignment will be extended' is reasonable?
I think that honesty is the best policy. Who knows where a relationship might lead even if at the outset there seems to be limited time.
12. Introduction agency, dating service, matchmaker'.they all have nasty 'images' in the minds of people wanting to meet others. Why is this type of service required'are people more fussy/time poor/safety conscious than in the past?
I would not agree that introduction agencies, dating services and matchmaker bring nasty images to the minds of people wanting to meet others. My consultancy, Yvonne Allen and Associates, was established in 1976 to provide consulting and introduction services for discerning singles and over the years has partnered many thousands of great people. They made an intelligent decision to be proactive about their personal happiness.
There's no doubt that there have always been disreputable businesses that prey on the vulnerability of singles looking for love. The 'nasty' images are to do with the dubious principles and practices of charlatans. Ethical companies such as mine play an important role in providing services that bring compatible people together.
Such 'go-between' services are more needed today than ever before, given the fact that there are so many singles marrying at a later age of marriage or not at all, the high incidence of divorce and the changing expectations both sexes have of relationships and commitment.
Nowadays many people who are single - especially women with successful careers - have much higher expectations when it comes to looking for a partner. They come to Yvonne Allen and Associates because they are not interested in going to bars, pubs and clubs to meet their sort of person and they find the web too insecure. Our clients appreciate that our consultants are qualified professionals and that anyone they choose to meet is known by the consultancy. Many of those who come to us are time poor as they lead very busy and demanding working lives. They like the fact that we do the background work according to the things that matter to them when selecting potential introductions ' and then they make the choices!
There's no need for newcomers to feel isolated and alone when there are so many options to meet great people!
Yvonne Allen
B.A Psych Human Relations Consultant, Author, Public speaker
Yvonne Allen and Associates
Level 1
239 Rathdowne Street
Carlton Victoria Australia 3053
Telephone 61 3 9663 3744 NSW 61 2 9290 3799
Fax 61 3 9663 9867
Website http://www.yvonneallen.com.au
http://www.unoduo.com
Email yvonne@yvonneallen.com.au
info@unoduo.com
Biography - Yvonne Allen
After more than 28 years heading Australia's leading introduction service, Yvonne Allen created
http://www.unoduo.com. Yvonne Allen and Associates was established in 1976 to provide a dignified way of meeting for discerning single Australian men and women. Yvonne Allen and Associates has since earned an unrivalled position as Australia's leading introduction service.
unoduo.com, building on the Yvonne Allen experience, was created for people who value friendship and who prefer to share good times with congenial company. unoduo.com makes it possible for compatible people to choose to connect online and enjoy sharing common interests, activities and lifestyle. Whether single or in a relationship, unoduo.com adds the extra dimension to life that having good times with great company brings.
unoduo.com went live on December 5, 2003 after several years of research and planning. After trialling unoduo.com in Australia, this unique meeting site will be launched globally, initially in New Zealand, UK, US and Canada.
Whether you are single or partnered, unoduo.com allows you to search for others with interests in common who have similar relationship goals.
As a member of unoduo.com you complete informative profiles about yourself and interests to do with leisure, dining, movies, travel and sport. You can then search for other members who live locally who would like to connect with someone like you. You can also place an advertisement to attract interested people on one of the unoduo.com Boards.
There is no cost to join unoduo.com. As a member you can search profiles, send a Hi! to someone who looks interesting, or place advertisements for free. You are only required to pay if you both decide you want to connect.
Given the benefits it offers to the travelling public, it is envisaged that unoduo.com will become multilingual and available to all those who value companionship internationally.
Recommended reading - from the Editor
Why do we feel comfortable about asking for help to have our car fixed, but
not our personal life? I always feel that the people who 'share my
journey' are just as important as the objects which take me there. Give
yourself some time to read these articles...they are very good...and provide a
good summary of the best techniques and options available to you to really make
the most of your relationships with other people.
Friendship - how to make new friends
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Friendship_how_to_make_new_friends
- produced in consultation with, and
approved by the Australian provided by the Australian Psychological Society Ltd http://www.psychsociety.com.au
Relationship support services
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Relationship_support_services?OpenDocument
- produced in consultation with, and approved by Relationships Australia
http://www.relationships.com.au
Friends and relationships
http://www.reachout.com.au/index.asp?mci=3&mwi=2&tii=16
This link takes you to a variety of other very short articles about friends
and relationships
Where you can get further information
Relationships Australia
Telephone 1300 364 277 http://www.relationships.com.au
Relate (Commonwealth Department of Family and Community Services)
Telephone 1800 456 555 http://www.relate.gov.au
Australian Institute of Family Studies (more academic style publications)
Telephone 61 3 9214 7888 http://www.aifs.org.au
- includes link to growing up in Australia.
> other networking related pages on the Newcomers Network website include:
> always relevant and regularly updated:
best tips
events
expat groups
what's on
> most recent first:
making new friends and relationships
thomas power's top ten tips for networking
virtual volunteering
how to make an excellent first impression
melbourne international social group - for expats and repats
developing a new social life in melbourne
keeping in touch - finding work
virtual assistance in the real world
your new image - asset or liability
networking for women
adapting to life in Melbourne
networking groups
one cup of coffee syndrome
singles - how to create a social life in Melbourne
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